Oh the big bellies...

I go to a yoga class that finishes just before a pre-natal yoga class begins so I always see a few women with big bellies turning up early every week. Is it weird that I feel a bit of longing and envy over those big bellies? I miss being pregnant now that it's over and there's no telling when we'll be going through it again. Despite what other women generally say about being pregnant, it's not all morning sickness, swollen feet and ankles, being fat and all the other nasties that you always hear about. I quite liked it, having a little person in my belly that would give me kicks throughout the day and get hiccups quite regularly so that I could watch my belly jump up and down with the movement. And don't get me started on the anticipation and excitement of being on this new journey and knowing that you'll have something so very worthwhile at the end of it. I did a lot of yoga and calmbirth relaxations in preparation for the birth of Peanut and it was so nice to be able to take some time out of every day to relax and think about what was to come.


I wish we could start trying for a sibling for Peanut but we want to wait for the results of our genetic testing first since Peanut was born with a genetic condition called popliteal pterygium which was what caused his cleft. It's a different mutation of the same gene that also causes Van der Woude syndrome. The gene is inherited in an autosomal dominant pattern so if one of us is carry a mutated copy of this gene, there's a chance we could have another kid with the same mutation. Although, neither of us has any visible symptoms, there's still a chance one of us could be carrying the mutated gene so I want to wait until we know for sure before we do anything. It really sucks having to put our lives on hold like this but I hope we get the results soon. I'm not sure what we'll do if one of is does have it. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we come to it...

Oops, I've been slack

It's been over a week since I updated. My bad. I've changed my work schedule a bit so I'm full time two days a week and doing half days for the rest. Been a bit tired the last week trying to get used to the new schedule but it should be all good soon. More hours = more pay, just in time for my new improved (for the bank that is) mortgage repayments to swallow the extra pay up :(

While we're on that topic, I'd like to have a whinge about how high the house prices are here in Canberra. Not that I expect much else since Canberra is full of well paid public servants but that doesn't stop me complaining. For us average folks, getting a nice place in a decent location is pretty difficult to do on one income. If we plan to have another little one in the near future and/or I get into med school, we'd have to survive on D's income alone. Sure, we could probably afford a nice little place out on the very edges of Canberra but I don't really want to spend hours every day going to and from work. Especially since right now, I'm only about 10 mins away from work. So the idea of doubling or tripling my travel time does not appeal.

I have to say though, in spite of the lack of space, living in an apartment that's close to heaps of shops, restaurants and other things has been great. But I can see Peanut needing a little extra space to play as he grows bigger and more interested in the world around him. Even now, he loves being taken out on the balcony for some fresh air and to watch the cars go past. In fact, if you take him to the balcony door, he'll unlock it and open it and start reaching for the outside. So I'm not sure how much longer we can stay here. I'll be sad to leave the convenience of this place and the friends I've made here though. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Working mummy guilts

I'm increasing my hours at work from next week onwards. I'm adding another 6 hours a week because I'm thinking that I'll build up to going back full time slowly rather than doing it all at once. In theory, that should be  less of a shock to my schedule but we'll see how well it works in practice. I feel guilty being a part time worker sometimes. Even though I do less hours now, I still feel like I should be doing the same amount of work that I used to do when I was full time. I know it's not reasonable to feel that way but there it is. I feel especially guilty when I have to leave work for other people to do because I need to get home. But then, if I stay at work late, I feel bad for not being home for my little Peanut! Sigh. The joys of being a working mum hey?

Speaking of the joys of being a working mum, I'm still expressing milk at work every day I can book some time in the carers room. The other day, I had a male colleague ask me if I was bothered that there wasn't all that much privacy in and around the carers room. I wasn't actually sure what he was talking about. I mean, the glass door is mostly frosted and people know not to peek in through the slit that isn't so it's private enough right? But he meant that people could see me going in and that everyone knew what I was doing because I wash up my collection kits at the kitchen afterward. I guess he thought that might be embarrassing for me but to be honest, it doesn't really bother me. I'm happy to explain why I do it too if anyone asks (it's much better for Peanut, especially since he has a higher risk of ear infections due to his cleft and breastmilk can reduce the risks) and most people are understanding about this. After all, it's better to prevent the sickness in the first place if you can than to have to take time off to deal with an upset, sick kid right?

Overall, my work seems to be pretty accepting and supportive of my part time schedule and milk expressing and I'm thankful for that. It does make things a little easier for me. I've worked in places in the past that were pretty unforgiving and inflexible when I was younger and had a lot less going on in my life. Looking back at these places and comparing them to where I am now, it makes me glad that I'm not working in those places anymore. If I was still at one of these places, I don't think I'd be back at work yet. Either that or I'd have to give up expressing and give Peanut infant formula instead, which is something I don't really want to do.

The Peanut and his cleft

Peanut's cleft palate repair is a little over a month away now. I'm looking forward to having it over and done with but at the same time, I'm not really looking forward to putting him through another surgery. It has to be done for his own benefit of course, but I still wish it wasn't necessary in the first place. After this surgery, we should hopefully be able to get on with our lives until he is about 8 or 9 when he'll have to have a bone graft to close up the gaps in his upper jaw.

Looking over pictures of Peanut from when he was born up until the day of his lip repair and comparing those to him now, it's amazing to see how much he's changed. In a weird sort of way, I miss his cleft and the big wide smiles that he was able to give us because his mouth wasn't all joined together the way it was supposed to. I know other people who didn't know any better probably looked at him and thought 'Ergg, what's wrong with him??' but I thought he was perfect the way he was. Well, I still think he's just perfect but of course, I'm more than a bit biased. He seems to have recovered from the lip surgery really well though and he's looking really good now. If he didn't still have a bit of redness going up into his nostrils, you'd never know he had surgery. He'd just look like a kid with a slightly flattened nose...

New wardrobe guidelines

So having come to the conclusion that I need new clothes, now I need to figure out what sort of new clothes I'm going to get. The last thing I need is to replace the dorky crap that my mother bought for me with similar dorky crap that I buy for myself...That being said, there are a few requirements that all pieces of clothing applying for a spot in my closet need to meet:

1. Cost. If it's going to cost me more than say, $30, it'd better have some pretty damn special qualities. Like, maybe self cleaning/ironing. Or giving me the ability to fly...

2. Low maintenance. If I can't chuck it in the washing machine and dryer and have it come out relatively wrinkle free, it's out. I mean, do I look like I have time to be ironing my clothes in between all the other things I have to do??

3. Not dry clean only. If I have to continue to pay to keep the damn thing clean, forget about it. The only time I will ever buy something that's marked dry clean only is if it's also marked as $10 or less. That way, it can take it's chances with the washing machine and if the machine wrecks it, I won't be too devastated.

4. Must not look like anything I would find in my mother's wardrobe. 

And that's all. I'm not asking too much am I?

Time for a wardrobe overhaul I think

I've realised that I'm a bit of a pack rat. I've been going through my closet trying to decide which clothes I want to through out and even though I haven't worn some of them in ages and probably won't wear them again, I still can't bring myself to throw them out. I mean, just because I don't want to wear them now, doesn't mean I won't want to wear them in future! What if I want to wear them again 10 years down the track?!

I've also got a whole heap of dorky shirts and other bits and pieces that my mum bought for me years ago. These I don't mind throwing away so much. In fact, I'm actually quite keen to get rid of these because I don't really see eye to eye with my mum on a lot of things and it seems silly that she still has so much influence when it comes to the clothes that I wear. I'm just too much of a cheap skate to go out and buy new things while I still have stuff that isn't falling apart. And nice clothes are sooo freaking expensive! How the hell am I supposed to replace my whole wardrobe when shirts and stuff will cost me about $70 each?? Maybe I need a higher paying job...

Oh the memories

I just went back and read over my old blog. Eeep. I'm wondering if I should delete it or at the very least, sanitise some of the posts in it since it would probably offend a few people if they should ever find it and link it back to me...

I'm somewhat amused and a little horrified at the same time to see the sorts of things that went through my head and the fact that I thought it was appropriate to post all of it online. And I'm pretty sure the stuff I posted was me censoring myself as best as I could at the time as well. Yikes. I think (hope?) my brain to keyboard filter is functioning a little better these days though. Although, sometimes, I feel like it's working a little too well to the point where all that I can write about is the dry and boring things that won't offend anyone! Maybe tomorrow, I'll post about the weather. How awesome would that be?

I'm also a lot more conscious about using any sort of identifying information these days. Privacy and anonymity on the internet didn't really worry me a few years back. But nowadays, I'm not only writing about myself, I have a little Peanut and husband who are the two most important people in my life so I will mention them every now and then. It wouldn't really be fair of me to compromise their privacy for my own need to blab about my life to random people on the internet (no offense to random internet peoples who might be reading this!). So that's why I will continue to refer to my little boy as Peanut. I'll have to come up with an appropriate nickname for my husband as well. Heh.

Here we go again

Ah, it's the weekend again. And a long weekend to boot. I have all these great plans about what I'm going to get done on the weekend now that I don't have to go to work for a couple of days. I'm going to:

1. Practice the violin every day
2. Catch up on some washing
3. Clean up the kitchen and living room
4. Sort through the piles of junk I've been collecting for the past couple of years
5. Figure out what I need to work on for the gamsat
6. Plan our meals for the coming week
7. And go grocery shopping for this meal plan
8. Spend some time with my hubby and Peanut

It's now Saturday night and so far, I've only done 1.5 out of 8. Violin practice is out of the question now that Peanut is in bed. Oh well, there's still 2 more days for me to work on this list. Meh. I'm sure I'll be able to get at least half of it done by the time I have to go back to work...

Where did the week go?

Two long weekends in a row, how awesome is that? I could get used to this 4 day working week thing :) Although, I don't feel like I got much done this week at all.

It's times like this I sometimes wonder why I'm going to work when I could be staying at home with my little Peanut. In one more month, he'll be a year old and yet, it only seems like yesterday that I was all fat and pregnant and wishing he'd come already so that I could hold him in my arms. This past year has just flown by so quickly. I've gone from being heavily pregnant, to getting used to a newborn baby with a cleft lip and palate that I was so completely unprepared for, to watching him develop oh so quickly from being a tiny little lump of a newborn to this almost walking little bub that he is now. And how much am I missing out on now that I spend 5 hours or so a day at work away from him??

Damn these thoughts, they make me doubt this idea of me going to med school and becoming a doctor. After all, it would mean even more time away from my little man and I'm already missing him on my part time work schedule. How would I handle full time study and then the training that follows? I don't have any delusions that this could be anything but incredibly tough and difficult, even if I did manage to get into med school in the first place. But on the other hand, I don't want to walk away from the possibility and spend the rest of my life wondering if I could have done it after all. I've done similar in the past and I know I'll just end up regretting it and possibly resenting the situations/people/thoughts that stopped me in the first place.

I have to try at the very least. After all, how can I teach my little Peanut to follow his dreams and chase his goals in life if I can't do the same thing myself?