I'm feeling kinda bummed right now. Please feel free to not read any further if you don't want to read my thoughts about why I'm such an anti-social butterfly. Don't say you weren't warned...
Orchestra has finished up for the year and I've come to a realisation that although I've been part of this community for the past 4 years, I haven't formed any real friendships there. I get the feeling that if I left this orchestra, the people there wouldn't give me a second thought. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not blaming anyone in the orchestra because they are a really wonderful group of people. It's more to do with me and the way I relate to people because I get the same sort of vibes from people at work and any other social situations I find myself in. I always find myself on the fringes, not quite knowing how to fit in or talk to people and too chicken shit to actually talk to people in case I say the wrong thing or offend people.
Sigh. I wonder if it's hereditary. My mum seems to be the same way with people and I always used to wonder why she has no friends. Now, I get it and I hate it. I don't want to be like her. She's everything I don't want to be... And yet, I can't seem to help behaving like her sometimes. A lot of the time actually. Geez. I'm doomed. Wonder if there's some sort of behaviour modification or hypnotherapy I can try to get the crazy out of my head :(
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